Dear Jumai,
My boyfriend of three months told my toddler not to call him dad. I told him to be a father figure and I expect him to embrace my son as his own, as I would if he had a kid too. While I am not sure who is my son’s biological father, my boyfriend vehemently refuses to step up and he lives with us. Do I give him an ultimatum? Joan.
Dear Joan,
First, I don’t know how old you are because this also shows some immaturity on your part. However, you need to step back. Step back and figure out why you don’t know who your child’s father is, why you’re letting a man you’ve been with for 90 days live with you, and why you’re trying to force him to be a father to your son.
It’s mess after mess, and it’s not ok. It takes years before a man earns the right to be called daddy by a child, and three months doesn’t make a dad. Time is needed for the two to bond.
Now, if he’s actively avoiding bonding with the child then you have a problem. But also maybe don’t move your child in with someone you’ve been dating for three months.
Please find your child’s father. Take care of yourself and your child first and foremost, before anyone. Your child should and must be your utmost priority in all that you do.
I Still Love Him
DEAR JUMAI,
I hurt my back trying a new sex position with my man. The injury happened at work but I can’t file a worker’s complaint because he’s married. When I was about to dress up, he helped me put my skirt on but left me there on the floor in pain. He didn’t even feel remorse about what happened and I was deeply hurt. I’m at home hurt, broken and he just avoided me. I can’t think of the fact that all through that day he didn’t call nor send a message to check up on me. I am hurt but I still love him. What do I do? Oge
Dear Oge,
He’s not your man and he will never be your man. It’s normal to be angry that he didn’t check on you, but that’s a lesson to you because not every man that comes to you truly wants you. Some just get lost in your body, and the only thing they want to do is get into your pants which is what he just did.
Coupled with the fact that he’s married, you wouldn’t have allowed it at all. Even if you want to do such things, then be prepared with whatever comes your way. In future, don’t have sex on the job. And don’t “date” married men. You may love him but he doesn’t love you, and the fact that he left you lying on the floor in pain should be your clue. He put that skirt on to protect himself, not to help you. Get whatever treatment you need and move on. Be wise and ensure not to get so low again. Life continues. You’re too beautiful to cry over a man. Be strong.
I Want Her Back
Dear Jumai,
My name is Michael. I and Maureen dated for four months and she got pregnant. So, I moved in with her. She was never the only one in my life at the time and I made that known. I openly dated others and she knew about the relationships. A few months later, she had a miscarriage and after that, she also got a new job and her male “coworker”, who is quite older than myself told me I should move away from her house and life. That was some months ago, now I have changed and I want her back, but she’s not willing to come back to me anymore. Please, advise me.
Dear Michael,
Do you want her out of love or out of your selfishness? My instinct tells me it’s the latter. You told and showed her that she is on a rotating roster of women. She acts accordingly and keeps you in her bed while she looks for a better man. She finds one and now you have to move. You don’t miss her. You haven’t changed, you just don’t want to move. Move on and find someone else. Just because you changed doesn’t mean you deserve her.
I Impregnated My Student
Dear Jumai
I must say I have been impressed with how you have handled delicate issues in your column as I am an avid reader. Kudos to that. I have a situation on my hands and I believe your advice would come in handy.
I am a visiting professor in one of the private universities across the Niger. I have been married for 30 years and my marriage is blessed with three children who are all grown.
The bad news is that my 22-year-old student is pregnant. She wants me to walk away from everything for our baby. I love and care about her, but my wife’s family will ruin me. I’m trapped. Advice. Prof. Dike
Dear Prof,
Thanks for the compliments, they are duly appreciated. Now, let’s delve into the crux of the matter. If you truly cared about being ruined, you never would have entertained a relationship with a student, let alone have unprotected sex with her and get her pregnant.
The question then is, do you still love your wife or do you not want her family to ruin you, or both? Whatever your answer is, your best bet is to be honest with yourself and those around you. You have no control here. So at least take control of how your wife and employers find out. I wish you all the best.
