BY VICTORIA ODIA
A couple in love seeks each other’s approval. They avoid mention of unpleasant circumstances; they try to make favourable impressions; they are always on their good behaviour. Their time together is spent in recreation rather than work. Their thoughts run to the future rather than to the realities of the past and the present.
A courtship experience does not always place emphasis on those traits that are most significant in determining eventual happiness in marriage. Occasionally even during courtship one person will observe undesirable characteristics in the other, but usually the thrill of being in love prompts the false assumption that marriage is a miraculous procedure by which all the undesirable traits will be eliminated. Both were only pretending. Such lovers and would-be couples may not understand that marriage is never a bed of roses. Some day some times after they have become married and the chips are down, and they begin to unfold their true pictures, those who have phobia for perseverance would divorce immediately. When a young man in love is a chain smoker, a drug addict and the out door type, he does not exhibit such dirty habits during courtship because no right thinking woman would condone such, when they eventually marry and live under one roof. You better imagine what would be the woman’s reaction if she discovers after marriage, such bad habits in him? No woman who detects such would be happy. And on her insistence by way of nagging to stop the husband from such habit may make the wife become a victim of wife battery. With impunity the husband warns her not to cross her boundaries, claims he is the owner of the house and not under the authority of the wife. The husband has only succeeded in laying the foundation of unhappiness in her marital life and gradual collapsing of the marriage foundation.
Mid last year, a worried looking housewife, who wished her name unpublished came complaining about some of her husband’s nauseating habits which she could no longer condone living with him under one roof. In furious anger she opened up to Family Angle, In fact, let me inform you ma, that throughout our two years of courtship, I never saw my husband with a stick of cigarette let alone smoking in my presence and polluting the house and want to make me choke in my marital home.
Actually, let it not seem as if I was trying to break the vow we took on the day of our wedding, by threating divorce, I reported this issue of his being a chain smoker to his parents, thinking that their scolding him would make him not only change but have some iota of respect for me and then stop such bad habit. To my surprise, their advice to their son, to desist from such habit and also make me feel happy in my marriage to their son was misinterpreted as interference of a third party by my husband. This issue of his being a chain smoker was just one out of the lot he exhibited few years after marriage.
Very negative stories about the marriage institution are escalating like wide fire on daily basis. Recently, while in a bus on my way for a ceremony outside Asaba, A man was complaining bitterly about his three years old marriage and was already threatening to divorce his wife to his friend sitting close to him, with the hope that he would offer him some piece of advice. His new found friend responded by informing him that his own case was already in court. So, other passengers like me, who listened to the conversation, wondered who will advise each other.
Same goes to a young lady who during the period of courtship withheld her bad sides and pretended to be naïve, humble, quiet, respectful, reserved and unassuming and after marriage, began to show her true colour? Of course it does not require a soothsayer to know what becomes of such marriage in the nearest future.
Look at another instance, some men during courtship would profess to be good practicing Christians, accompanying the would-be wife to church programmes and seminars, in order to win her love. No sooner after marriage is contracted than he begins to backslide from attending church services. It is then the husband claims that women are naturally fickle minded and the reason why they are always in the church. At such instance, how would you expect the wife to be happy?
Nothing kills the love, affection and care a husband has for the wife, than if he discovers during marriage that the wife is the type who nags over every little thing. Meanwhile, she never exhibited such character traits during courtship.
How do we explain the case of a housewife who has poor culinary skill and has never for once prepared a palatable dish for the husband and children to enjoy as part of her core domestic responsibility
Like earlier said, during courtship, the young couple hope that theirs will be the ‘’perfect marriage’’ and that they will live “happily forever”. But once married, they must take the bitter with the sweet. They must assume obligations. They must address themselves to work as well as to reactions. They must take life as it comes.
Agreed that unforeseen and unpleasant circumstances would gradually rear up their ugly heads during marriage, because, naturally, the marriage institution, is laddened with problems caused by man and the society it self. But couples who were emotionally and practically sincere to a great extent during courtship would be a to endure the ups and downs in marriage no matter their personal challenges and those created by the society.
Actually, there are few marriages which can qualify as being one hundred per cent per cent perfect. And this should incite a young person to investigate those qualities which are known to have a bearing on the success of marriage and to make a studied effort to act wisely in his choice of a mate.
Successful marriage implies more than just a pleasant courtship, honeymoon. “till death do us part” is the final criterion on which a marriage must be judged.
The essence of courtship is not for pretence, but a period that affords would –be couples the closeness to study one another for a deeper understanding of one another’s character traits especially, their good sides, weaknesses and ability to tolerate each other in the future.
I don’t quite agree to some school of thought who often heap the blame of the challenges and divorce cases rampant in our society today because of the deviation from our cultural and traditional way of life, which they claim has been indoctrinated by the western culture, where the social media has a great role to play. I think it has to do with our attitudinal way of life.
