Dear Jumai
I have a relationship with my neighbor, who is also my dad’s best friend. His marriage is falling apart because his wife treats him poorly, and we can hear their arguments since we live so close. He is wealthy and generous, though it’s not about money because my dad is also well-off. We started dating earlier this year, and he’s a handsome, slim, and youthful 40-year-old. We genuinely care for each other. Recently, I made a mistake and cheated on him, and he found out by hacking into my WhatsApp and Instagram. He was really upset, and we both exchanged harsh words. We didn’t speak for nearly a month, but he came back, apologizing and saying he missed me. I missed him too, so we made up. He’s very much in love with me and is even willing to go public with our relationship, including telling my dad about us and his intention to marry me. He also plans to divorce his wife this month, which my dad had already mentioned before he told me directly. Here’s where I need advice: I’m 22, and he’s 40. Is the age gap too much? Should I consider marrying him? I’m not concerned about his wife, as their relationship is already over. I believe I make him happy and treat him well. Zara.
Dear Zara,
It’s clear that you’re facing a complex situation, and it’s great that you’re taking time to reflect before making any big decisions. While age gaps in relationships can work, they do bring certain challenges, especially when the people involved are in very different stages of life. At 22, you’re likely still discovering more about yourself, your ambitions, and what you want in the future. He, at 40, may be at a more settled point, with established expectations and routines that could differ from your current outlook. The fact that he’s also your father’s best friend adds another layer of complexity. This dynamic might affect your relationships with your family, particularly with your father, such connections often create emotional complications that might not be immediately visible but can surface later. You mentioned that he hacked your social media after the incident with the other guy. While it’s understandable he was hurt, this shows that there are underlying trust and boundary issues in your relationship. For a marriage to be strong, both parties need to trust each other completely and have open communication. The fact that there has been a breach of privacy could signal the need to work on the foundation of your relationship before moving forward with such a major commitment. In terms of his divorce, it’s crucial that he fully processes the end of that chapter before starting a new one with you. You need to be sure that he’s truly ready to move on without lingering attachments. Most importantly, think about your happiness and future, take time to consider whether this relationship provides the emotional security and fulfillment that you need. Marriage is a big step, and it’s essential to enter into it with clear eyes and a full heart. Take your time and make sure you’re making the best choice for yourself, not just for the relationship.
She Stole Her Mothers Money To Help Me, Now I Want A Divorce
Dear Jumai,
I am a married man with two children. In 2003, when we were struggling financially, my wife, who came from a stable family, gave me half a million Naira to start a business. She claimed her aunt in Canada had sent it to help us. Later, I discovered from her friend that she had stolen the money from her mother, a successful businesswoman. Her mother believed my wife’s story about being robbed and forgave her. By the time I learned the truth, I had already invested the money, and my business was booming. I repaid the full amount, and my wife returned it to her mother. However, since then, I’ve lost trust in her. If she could steal from her mother, I fear she could do the same to me. Now, I want to end the marriage without causing her harm, but I’m unsure how to do it amicably. Yinka.
Dear Yinka,
It’s understandable that you feel conflicted after learning the truth about the money and how your wife obtained it. Trust is the foundation of any marriage, and when it’s broken, it can be difficult to rebuild. However, before making any final decisions, it might help to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. You’ve been holding on to this knowledge for a long time, and discussing it might give you a clearer understanding of her intentions and how you both can move forward. people make mistakes, especially in desperate situations, she may have acted out of a deep desire to help you during a financially difficult time. Since she returned the money, it shows she likely understood the gravity of her actions. You should understand that whatever she did, was because she loves you, and wanted the best for you. So I see no reason why you would want to pay her back by divorcing her just because she stole her mother’s money to help you financially. You have done the right thing by returning the money now that your business is doing well, but what you should do instead, is to open up to your wife, that you found out how she got the money and make her promise never to do such again, rather than speak of divorce. I’m sorry to say but that would be so evil of you. Find a path forward that gives both you and your wife a chance, than make decisions you’ll regret forever.
My Four Year Relationship Has Crashed
Dear Jumai,
I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. My 4-year relationship has come to an end. I’ve been dating this girl for four years, and everything seemed fine. She cheated on me once, but I forgave her because of the love I have for her. I noticed that when she goes home for the holiday, she started distancing herself. When I asked her about it, she said everything was fine, and that she was just busy. This week, she told me she’s no longer interested in our relationship. She said her mom’s friend proposed that she marries their son, and her parents are pressuring her to agree. Even though she says she loves me, she feels forced to follow her mom’s decision because they’ve threatened to stop sponsoring her education if she doesn’t.
I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do. Should I let her go? I’ve been feeling lonely and confused since she told me. Paul
Dear Paul,
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly painful to lose someone you’ve been with for so long, especially when external pressures are involved. It’s clear that she cares for you, but the situation with her family has put her in a difficult position. Remember that love and relationships require mutual effort and commitment. If she feels she cannot stand up to her family’s pressure or make her own decisions, it’s likely that her path is already set. As hard as it is, sometimes letting go is the best choice for your own emotional health. Holding on when she’s not fully committed could prolong your pain. Take time to heal and focus on yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family, and try to find activities that help you move forward. In time, the right relationship that’s built on mutual trust and independence will come along. Just have faith.
I Feel She Doesn’t Want My Happiness
Dear Jumai,
I’m a 300-level student, and I’ve been planning to start a business so I can support myself where my parents can’t. I’ve been preparing in secret, attending online seminars and learning as much as I can so that when I finally get the funds, I’ll be ready to launch. Recently, I decided to share my plans with a friend who already runs a small business, expecting support or maybe even brainstorming together. However, her reaction shocked me. She laughed and said, “Someone like you cannot succeed in business.” She later tried to defend her comment, saying she didn’t mean it the way I thought, but she still wasn’t sure I could do business. She also kept pointing out that I don’t have the money yet, saying I’m overplanning. Her words really hurt me, and I just walked out. We haven’t spoken since, though she has come to my hostel to try and talk. I’ve been avoiding her because what she said discouraged me. Do you think she has bad intentions, or am I overthinking it? Monica
Dear Monica,
It’s understandable that her words hurt you, especially when you expected support. While her reaction was discouraging, it doesn’t necessarily mean she has bad intentions. Sometimes, people project their own doubts or fears onto others. However, what’s most important is believing in yourself and your plans. If you’re passionate about your business idea, don’t let one person’s opinion stop you. Consider having an open conversation with her to clear the air, but stay focused on your goals regardless of her reaction.
